Blogtober 2023 :: Day 30

Blogtober Day 30 :: Monday

I slept unbelievably badly last night and got up around 3.30 am I think, after spending too much time tossing and turning. I came downstairs, made myself a cup of tea and sat in the darkness of this house thinking about the fact that I most likely won't ever be returning here again after tomorrow. It's a strange mixture of relief and deep sadness, of letting go of the bad, but still wanting to cling to the good. I guess I'm just beginning to process the enormity of all this change and the implications on my own life.

I spent more hours this morning going through the remaining cupboards and drawers upstairs, gathering together the things that I need in order to deal with all the life admin on my Dad's behalf. Once I was sure I'd not left any box, drawer or bag unopened, I declared myself done. Done. I am so, so done with it all. Whatever the word is for beyond-done, I'm feeling that word to my core. We loaded up the car with a huge amount of paper/cardboard and general rubbish and drove to the local recycling centre to fling it all into the skips in a great big cathartic avalanche. Done.

Afterwards, we found ourselves just down the road from the recycling centre seeking out a coffee as I felt like I had lived through a whole day by this point and it was still only ten thirty. Luckily we knew exactly where to go - the local garden centre of course. Not to buy pots of cyclamen (although they did look stunning) but to settle ourselves into the cosy warmth of this stunning glass building. The Ivy House All Day Kitchen - yes please.

We'd heard good things about the Ivy House and it didn't disappoint. I adored the light, the warmth and the abundant views of greenery and sky and the coffee was excellent. Fully breakfasted and caffeinated, we decided to drive straight to the care home to pay my Dad a visit. It was so good to find him happy, out in the garden having a cheeky smoke with a couple of the carers keeping him company when we arrived. He was ever so pleased to see us, and although he seemed a little unsure of his new surroundings and still totally confused about why he was there, his general mood was calm and reasonably happy. When we left him after lunch he was waiting for the party to start (a Halloween party with fancy dress and games) and I felt a huge sense of relief.

We decided to drive the scenic route back to Bridport....

....heading up into the hills to stop a while at Hardy Monument.

It's a lovely, quiet place high up on the downs in rural Dorset, and the long reaching views are spectacular on a clear day. J and I strolled round taking in the Dorset landscape and reminiscing about past times when we've eaten picnic's up here with the Little People. It's been quite strange for the both of us being here without any offspring as it's always been somewhere we've come as a family for holidays. I say strange, but actually....full disclosure.....it's been rather lovely to only have to think about the two of us for a change. Freeing.

The drive back follows the coast road and it's sooooo beautiful along here when the weather is good. Look how lucky we were with the sunshine! It did rain this morning (of course it did) but when the downpours came, we were tucked inside the Ivy House sipping frothy coffee and feeling all smug in our dry-ness.

I love love love the Dorset coastline so much. It is, and always will be HOME for me.

We met up with Lady B in the pub later this afternoon, enjoying a glass of vino and feeling glad that all in all, things seem to be going alright for us. We are adjusting to the new normal, and it's all alright.

Tomorrow J and I are driving home to Yorkshire, and I'm pretty sure I'm ready to close this chapter of my life.

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Comments

[Lynne Chandler]

Thank you for sharing this with us Lucy. My parents have recently moved into care due to dementia and frailty so I am in the process of starting to clear their home. So many memories - it's hard but I just have to switch off a bit while I'm sorting things otherwise it would never get done. I hope your dad continues to be happy in his new home and that you can relax and take time for yourself. Take care 💐

[Ruthie]

Dear Lucy, thanks for all the time you’ve given us. I hope the love and support from around the world has gone some way to paying it back. It is a relief of unparalleled proportions to find our loved ones somewhere where they are safe and cared for. But letting go is hard.
Thank you for the beautiful pictures and letting us journey along on the other side of the screen.
Xxx

[Dawn]

Well done, you! How lovely that your Dad is in a safe, caring place, and that you can have respite from all the care and worry from before. And you find all the best coffee shops, my goodness!

[Autumn]

My Mom and I are thinking of you during this time- she and I dealt with closing up my grandfather's home when he was diagnosed with dementia. He, too, lives in a care home surrounded by nurses and is much happier and safer than he was before. <3

[Mary Ann]

Dear Lucy,
I am a long time crochet lover and reader of your blog. I have always loved how you share your beautiful photos and skill and art of color and crochet...but Blogtober has been my favorite...like daily reading a chapter in a good book or visiting with a friend. Thank you for sharing such an emotional time. I hope the good wishes and prayers from your blogging friends have added to your strength. We all have to go through the tough times in life, and can really relate.
Sending best wishes from New Jersey, USA
Mary Ann

[Kate]

So going to miss your daily posts. Thinking of you and all you are facing and sending hugs. You got this x

[Ronnie]

You're a little ahead of me in this same process. Thank you for sharing. It's always helpful to know that others are doing what one is doing or experiencing. It makes it feel less lonely and strange...

[Debbi Robertson]

When your contributions to Blogtober began, the month seemed to stretch before me and away into the future. I was so excited with the anticipation of being able to hear from you each of those many coming days. How is it now that we're already at the end?! You have been so generous with your time and the sharing of your heart and soul, and we are all such lucky recipients. Sending you little pink clouds of love, and light...

[Angela]

Such a difficult time you're going through. Thank you so much for keeping up with blogtober while you're having to go through this. You know we're all here for you, each of us in our own corners of the world sending you love and positive vibes. ❤️

[Michelle]

Thank you Lucy for sharing your day to day through October. I appreciate how much work it must be, but it is the highlight of my morning knowing I'm going to get a few little snippets of the beautiful English way of life all the way over here in Australia. I recently returned from a UK holiday and am already trying to work out when I can return. Charlotte's post above probably says it best. All these strangers, whose lives you touch, are cheering for you at this emotional time.

[Charlotte]

You have fought hard to get to your 'new normal', and I so know what you mean when you say you are beyond-done. Thank you so much for sharing this very sad and stressful part of your life with us. I think you know that we've all been cheering you on from our computer keyboards, I-pads and phones, and will miss you when the month of Blogtober ends. Cx

[Rhonda]

Take care Lucy, Life is hard some times xx

[Bettina]

I read your post with tears in my eyes, Lucy - it's such a horrible, horrible phase of life. You've been so brave blogging through this of all months! I do hope it's helped you debrief a little.

[Lorraine]

My mum has just gone into care and it's a hard wrench. She went voluntarily as she is just fading physically and feels no longer the tiredness she was feeling. She has all her faculties and the staff love her as she is scouting around sharing her love with everyone. Today we'll find out if her unit sale is 'unconditional' and then the next and final stage of sorting and chucking will happen. It's exhausting but great to see mum happy and managing well. Hope your dad continues to thrive.xxx

[Jennifer Keast]

One of hardest things you ever have to do Lucy - so glad its all nearly done and you can just enjoy your lovely dad and your lovely Dorset in the future without all the stress xxx

[Maypole]

Does your dad like music? My sister loves to sing and can remember the words to songs and yet can't remember other things.
It's not easy having to clear your dad's home, but a job that had to be done. X

[Sue]

Thank you Lucy for sharing blogtober with us all, I have looked forward to reading them each day. I can understand all the upheaval and emotions running through you at this difficult time. Safe journey home to Yorkshire tomorrow.

[Sue Wheeldon]

Glad to know that you've made good progress in your difficult task and that you and J have been able to do it together and share the time on your own - despite the circumstances. There's a lot to be said for a nice chap, believe me - I don't half miss mine. I loved your findings yesterday, especially your ammonite and embroidered creations. I have a few of my own framed on the walls of my sewing room - I must have been obsessed with french and bullion knots as there's a heck of a lot of them!! I do wish Textiles had been a subject when I was as school things could have been very different. I shall miss Blogtober very much - you are a breath of fresh air in this world of extraordinary values and priorities. Sometimes, even the world of crochet sadly knows no bounds as I discovered in a group yesterday. Safe journey home and thank you for allowing us to be part of your life - I'm sure it will help many others who are going through something similar.

[Tineke]

It is a relief to leave someone who is such a huge part of your life in good hands. The freedom of having no kids around is recognizable. XD Safe drive home tomorrow, dear.

[Jacqui]

Because of the dementia it is a closure of the old but its also a new freedom where the care is taken over and you know he is safe.
Its difficult but a new normal you will soon settle down as we have with visits and video calls etc and life goes on
Omg those photos gorgeous !!!!!!

[Linda Graveling]

Thank you Lucy for sharing your heart with us. I’ve enjoyed this little jaunt through October with you. Saying goodbye to your past and, perhaps, your childhood is never easy, but time will heal and you can rest easy knowing that your dad is being well cared for x

[June]

It is really difficult Lucy. We cleared Mums house and an elderly aunts flat within a three week period in lockdown. Both had been admitted to nursing homes. At the time it was overwhelming and exhausting but eventually the tiredness and anxiety does start to subside.

[Tammy]

Thank you so much for being willing to share with us the realness of your life and family, through the cheery and the difficult! We can all identify with so much. So fun that you found so many treasures from your growing up - your drawings when you were little are so cute, and your embroidery so beautiful :)

[Catriona]

Safe journey Lucy. I was fifty when I had to clear out Mum’s house and although I had never lived in her flat, I still felt the sadness of emptying het home❤️

[Sa]

Thank you for blogtober blogs they have given me much pleasure. Whilst I appreciate daily blogging must be a great challenge I hope that writing them has given you some solace.