Since coming home from Dorset just over a week ago I'm finding it unexpectedly hard to ease myself back into any kind of normal daily routine. I just can't seem to find the energy or the will to address any of the gazillion things that are screaming for my attention, and so I resolutely keep myself feeling slightly adrift and untethered, and the gazillion things remain in a teetering, taunting pile. It's not a particularly bad feeling though, and I can look objectively and see that it's all probably a part of a process and maybe I'm OK to do this drifting thing for just a little while longer. Can't be for too much longer mind you, as I'm well aware that deadlines are looming and commitments are pressing, and there is only so long I can put off the inevitable result of being absent for three weeks. It's almost time to pull my life back into focus, but for now, I kind of like that my days feel like they are a bit blurred around the edges.
Dorset was a bitter sweet time. My camera broke on the first day, and after taking just one picture it refused to work any more, so I took it as a sign that I simply wasn't meant to record those days. No pictures or words, just a series of vivid emotions and memories to hold onto, and really that seems just fine. I have to say, it was most odd to be pootling around Dorset without my blogger's goggles on, most odd indeed!
When I got home last weekend, I discovered that my camera (which I adore) wasn't broken at all and was just low on battery charge, so that was something of a pheewww moment. Usually I take photographs every day, but recently not so much. I have missed it though, I love uploading images to my laptop and taking in the odd assortment of visuals which represent my life. Yarn and flowers (always those), food and views, animals and kids, home life and scenery. Colour, creativity, joy, life, love. All of those things.
I finished another pair of Man Socks yesterday, a second pair to fit J's size 10 feet. I love this Opal Classics yarn for Man socks, they don't come out too stripy looking (a manly no-no apparently) but are still rather lovely to make. I'll write a sock update post very soon as I like to keep a record of all these kinds of things.
This past week I've loved having a jug of flowers on my table that smell just as good as they look - these stocks have such a beautiful scent and I can't get enough of them. I stick my face into them many, many times a day, and the smell of them makes me feel soooooo good. Kind of nostalgic and childish and dizzy with all sorts of sweet summer memories.
It was our town's annual charity Gala on Saturday, and sadly the weather was down right horrid. The whole day was awash with a persistent grey drizzle which left you feeling a little soggy and down hearted, but in typical British fashion the Gala didn't falter one bit. Our two Teens (oh, I have TWO teens now don't you know since Little Lady turned 13 in the Spring) did their own thing with their respective crowds of buddies, which left J and I trailing in the wet grass with an excited Little B. It's hard not to get caught up in the fairground atmosphere - the sights and sounds are very energising and Little B adored it. Freshly cooked donuts, a fun stint on a child-sized roller coaster, a jaunt in and out of the "House of Fun" and a new giant sized bouncy ball attached to a length of springy plastic and all was crazy-happy in his little world.
In the many long, quiet moments during the past few weeks I've been pratting about with my nails. I blame Little Lady entirely for this recent obsession as she has the most beautiful nails and she inspired me to try and treat my own a little better. When she was smaller, she used to bite her nails badly, but a few years ago during the summer between primary and secondary school, she spent six weeks growing her nails out with amazing results. She's so proud of them, and it impressed the heck out of me that she transformed them through sheer determination and a £1 bottle of Nail Hardener from Poundland. I've never had great nails, ever ever in my life. Sometimes I confess I do nibble at them but mostly they are just quite weak and always split off and look rubbish but I can never be bothered to attend to them. I am trying hard to see if I can do this and am using the same £1 nail hardener technique as recommended by Little Lady. I even have my own nail file and everything. It's a small challenge in the scheme of things, but it is somehow helping me feel like I'm doing OK. I can do this!
A sweet, sleepy kitty picture for you, although there is nothing soft focus or drift-like about this crazy creature. She chased a bee yesterday and got stung on her chin, giving me the nerve wracking task of extracting the bee sting with a pair of tweezers whilst trying to avoid being clawed to ribbons. I felt like biting my nails a teensy bit then I can tell you, I was really nervous! She is one feisty little moggie, but we love her so so much. I've relished having her close by me this past week, her soft, undemanding presence has felt very calming and comforting.
On the morning that I took off to go down to Dorset to see my Mum, I had a yarn delivery. I couldn't take it with me on the train but just knowing that it would be sat here waiting for me to return to it was a really lovely thing. The colours may well look very familiar to you - for me, this colour palette feels like coming home. It represents all that is happy and joyful and full of Summer spirit, which is exactly what I need right now. So I'm just about to start a new Summer blanket using this original colour pack, and am really looking forward to soaking up the happy memories that seem to spin right out of those colours.
Bring on the happy!
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Dear Lucy I am so very very sorryfor your loss. My heart really does go out to you. My Mum died Fifteen years ago, and there still isn't a day goes by that I dont think about her. For those of us fortunate enough to have had a close and loving relationship with a parent their loss is a life changing experience, but then why wouldn't it be? Take some comfort in the fact you were able to be with her, and be there for her.
Grief as we all know is the pits. There is no quick fix. Everyone experiences it differently. But be assured you will come out on the other side of this, after all your Mum has taught you all the life skills necessary for you to do so. She is still teaching you now. In your more positive moments (difficult at this time I know),try to remember the tremendous pleasure you bring to so many of us, and know we are all thinking about you and wishing you
all that is good, at this very sad and difficult time in your life. Michelle
Posted by: Michelle Forbes | June 21, 2017 at 09:04 PM
I haven't commented for some time but felt I should given your recent circumstances.
As most people have said, grief is a personal process and everyone is different. After my Dad died (August 2011)I felt as though my anchor had gone and I was adrift, I still had my bloke, son, stepdaughter, etc, etc but the one person who had tethered me throughout my life had gone and I was bereft. Life has moved on and changed in so many ways - mainly for the good, but I can't help feeling a twinge of sadness when something wonderful happens and he's not here to share it. But I 'hear' him everyday in the little things that happen, and that's a great comfort. The only advice I would give is, go with the flow and allow the process to happen.
Many blessings at this stage of your journey.
Love and stuff XXXX
Posted by: Gill | June 21, 2017 at 12:42 PM
Grief is a funny old thing. It takes on different shapes and forms in everyone and there is no right or wrong way to do it.Be kind to yourself, don't be afraid to ask for help and grieve as you need to grieve.
Sending lots of hugs and love your way xxx
Posted by: Lisa Smith | June 20, 2017 at 07:09 PM
I already commented once but I have been thinking about you lots Lucy. Hope you are well and finding your way though all of this. Lose is never easy... love and hugs from Canada.
Posted by: Arlene | June 20, 2017 at 03:56 PM
Dear Lucy, you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers since I read your previous post. I know quite well this part of the journey, as my Mum died a year ago in April after spending most of September to April in hospital, with my RN sister and myself providing most of her care. By the end of September I'd moved, visited my sons and friends on the coast (I hadn't been home for nearly 8 years) and then gone to stay with friends in the States.
Your situation is different, as your family is still young, but you will find your own ways of dealing with this challenge. In general, I found it helpful to rest as much as possible, distract myself at times (less as time went on) and slowly resume my usual creative occupations.
Over a year later, I am still aware at times of a huge hole in my heart; it helps me to remember the things we shared and loved. The numbness is still there some of the time, but more manageable. I'm older than you are, and on my own, so some things are different for me. I found it helpful to make a resolution to make the most of each day and to do my best to be creative in some way as often as possible.
This time will change for you and become easier. Don't expect to follow a timetable; we each heal and cope in our own ways.
I'm glad you are back posting. Your blanket patterns continue to be very helpful to my friend in the States; she is working on three different blankets and finds it calming and centring to crochet when she is anxious.
Much love to you, Lucy. I think of you every day with gratitude. ~ Linne
Posted by: Linne | June 20, 2017 at 01:13 AM
Thanks for wrirring
Posted by: Laura Gabriela Martin Del Campo Sescosse | June 19, 2017 at 04:31 AM
So glad to see a post from you. To know you are getting along okay. Grudging takes as much time as it takes. Different for everyone. I was so sorry to have missed you when I visited Skipton on May 3rd. The ladies at Coopers were lovely and did expect you back anytime soon but after our brunch you still weren't back so unfortunately we had to continue on our travels. I would have loved to have seen your studio. We are coming to England again in June next year so I may be able to try again. Would be good if there was a way to make an appointment. Weather in .Australia is cooling off so I can get back to crocheting in earnest.
Posted by: Jennifer Marsden | June 17, 2017 at 02:22 AM
Hi Lucy, I have the same problem re nails and never thought of them as part of my beauty regime because of that, but I have been taking Collagen tablets in a effort to stave of going old (not working) but it has transformed my nails!!! They are noticeably harder and are growing well. It might do the trick for you! Loving your blog as per!
Posted by: Pamela Tomkins | June 16, 2017 at 06:44 PM
I'm so glad you're back, I was pondering and wondering how you were getting on. Remember to be kind to yourself. Get yourself a bottle of Rimmel Nail Nirse rescue, it's wonder stuff. About £4.50 on Amazon.
Take your time with everything, your body has had a terrible shock as well as your emotional self.
Posted by: Alison | June 16, 2017 at 03:49 PM
Nice to see your post on the blog Lucy.You take care of yourself hun.You can't put a time frame on grief it affects everyone differently.It will get easier with time.Sending love good wishes and virtual hugs your way. xx
Posted by: Kay Greenwood | June 16, 2017 at 11:10 AM
Lucy, in regard to the splitting nails that are also soft and thin.
I have the same problem.
Always trim with a nail cutter any tears, splits or breaks. Then you should file.
Filing only puts too much stress on your weak nails. So it is only done at the end of the repair job.
I am a 'mad' researcher and I spent a few bit of time trying to find the answers to why and how to treat, etc.
Also massage your nails at the base, ie where the nail comes out of the skin to promote a stronger growth.
You can use expensive creams or just your naked finger - it doesn't matter as the massage is what does the trick.
Love your puddy tat antics.
I have 2 cats and they love to 'help' me with my crocheting. This morning I emptied a zip lock bag of some balls of wool ready for my next project. The cat that belongs to my husband dove into the plastic bag. It was so cute, but dangerous for her. She came out as soon as I told he not to play in it. Phew!
I try not to pull my yarn from the ball in such a way that they want to hunt it. I know I am being a bit too too.... when the eyes light up. Then I gently pull the yarn so as not to excite them. Or I go and find their shoe string toy and we have a game of chasey. (spellcheck doesn't like that word!)
Posted by: Pat | June 16, 2017 at 05:47 AM
AW Lucy, drift as long as you need to. It is 26 years since my Mum flew away to be an angel and it would have been her birthday today. I still feel sad sometimes that I can no longer share time with her, but life does go on and you learn to adjust. Thank you so much for sharing all that you do on your blog. sending you hugs.xx
Posted by: Fiona | June 15, 2017 at 08:07 PM
Hi Lucy, I lost my Dad to suicide 19 years ago. I must say that the shock of the loss has subsided, but the pain and turmoil that has surrounded my family since then is still just as raw. Crochet has brought great peace and comfort to me over the last 5 years, especially, though I learned how to wield a hook over 40 years ago. I love the Granny Stripe! I made it for my own mother 2 summers ago, used Caron Sinply soft in a blue, green, and sand color. She loves it. It was my first introduction to your patterns, and I have since made several, and am in love with Special DK yarn, the way Wool Warehouse packages and sends it from the UK to little ol' me in southeast Georgia, USA, makes me feel very pampered and fortunate to be able to enjoy such a craft. Keep your chin up. You are important and vital to the fiber arts community 😊
Posted by: Julia | June 15, 2017 at 06:44 PM
Coucou Lucy, nice to meat you again on our blog.
take care
Posted by: touteclaire | June 15, 2017 at 10:51 AM
Welcome back to blogland Lucy. You have clearly been missed from all the lovely comments I read on here.
Looking forward to your new blanket project... and love the socks. I wish I could knit but I just don't make the time to learn. My own fault.
Take care now ~ Arlene
Posted by: Arlene | June 14, 2017 at 09:13 PM
Lucy, great yarn for the manly socks. Please know that everyone grieves in a different way and at their own pace. Personally found that children and husbands don;t always understand this. My thoughts are with you. A Summer blanket sounds good. The colors are yummy.
Posted by: Charlotte. | June 14, 2017 at 03:51 PM
Sending you love and hugs and warm wishes, along with lots of colour and comfort. Take as long as you need, Lucy - we'll be here when you're ready to return xx
Posted by: Shelly ~ 78thStitch | June 14, 2017 at 01:12 PM
I lost my Dad in April and the hazy days continue not in mass like they once were. Priorities have been made clearer. The piles of laundry are growing but I am finding myself listening to birds or getting lost in clouds more often.
Posted by: Lib | June 14, 2017 at 01:05 PM
Dear Lucy, Have you read the Knitting Circle? A lovely, gentle read that I think might speak to you just right now.
I would be happy to send you mine if you don't mind sending me your address.
([email protected])
Sincere best wishes
Pamela
Posted by: Pamela Soper | June 14, 2017 at 09:32 AM
Hey lovely - this grieving is a strange process (my dad died 2 years ago) there is no right or wrong way, it just is what it is. The biggest thing I've had to learn is getting used to a new life without that person and how does that look/feel for me, because my life is forever changed and that's weird, but it's still good :) I think I thought if and when the grief ends, life will go back to how it was, but it hasn't and will always be different. I'm getting used to it now, but I still miss the old codger and think about him every day. Best wishes to you x And thanks for sharing your vulnerability - I'll bet it's helping lots of people x Hope that made a tiny bit of sense!
Posted by: Larissa | June 14, 2017 at 09:29 AM
Dearest Lucy, Seeing your wonderful photos and colors has helped me through some very tough times. When my Dad died, I was 30, and a cousin sent me a calligraphy note:
"People we love and lose are no longer where they were before. Now they are wherever you are."
God bless you for all you do for us--thank you for the colors and the images and the sweet thoughts of home.
All is well, and all will be well....
--Mary P
Posted by: Mary Pobedinsky | June 14, 2017 at 12:41 AM
Oh, honey, you are still grieving, and it will take time. You will feel you're in a funny funk for a while, and that it will never be normal again. But normal will return, you will learn to cope with that empty space in your life that your mother's death left. Crochet and knitting can be very therapeutic, I think and having a new summery blanket to work on might be just the thing to help you through. Will be thinking and praying for you from here across the pond!❤
Posted by: Barb | June 13, 2017 at 11:42 PM
Good to hear from you Lucy. Do take care of yourself. Sending lots of love xxxxx
Posted by: Rowena Corlett | June 13, 2017 at 10:41 PM
A late comment from Oz due to no internet access whilst away. Take your time & drift for the reason that it is all part of the healing process. So glad that your camera wasn't on the way out, as we'd miss so many of your pics. Breathe, smell the flowers, relax & enjoy your family & friends around you. Look forward to seeing that bundle of yarn become something in, your own time. Take care & huggles.
Posted by: Susan Smith | June 13, 2017 at 10:39 PM
Do you think Kelly Green would work instead of Meadow and citron for the yellow? Or are they too deep/light/bright/something?
Also, be gentle on yourself. Grieving takes time and can catch you unawares. Accept your responsibilities, but take some time with your happy colours and outside in the fresh air for healing.
Posted by: Rachael | June 13, 2017 at 09:13 PM