At a Loss

This time last week I was down in Dorset, walking along this gorgeously leafy little footpath. The dappled shades of sunlit green were breathtaking.

I was walking alone, following a familiar footpath across fields that would take me from the town to the sea. I've walked this route many, many times since being a child and it's familiarity was comforting and welcome.

I went straight to the beach and plonked myself down on the warm shingle, at a loss as to what exactly to do with myself.

I had such a very, very heavy heart. I felt so utterly sad this time last week, at a complete loss as to how to remove the solid lump of sorrow that was stuck in the pit of my stomach.

I spent hours gazing out to sea, watching boats come and go, seagulls wheeling overhead, children splashing in the shallows, dogs digging and dashing. The normal stuff of a sunny Sunday afternoon.

But my Mum has gone.

She died on the 18th May, and thankfully I was able to make the 300 mile journey by train to arrive at the hospital to spend the last few hours with her.  My brother and I were both with her when she died, her last breath sure was peaceful, like a soft sigh of pure relief. A gentle end to her many sad struggles, I really hope with all my heart that she has finally found the peace that eluded her in life.

I ended up staying down in Dorset for almost a week to sort out the many things that needed sorting. It was emotional and exhausting, as you would expect and I missed J and the Little People like crazy. I'm home again right now, sitting at my desk thinking that I should perhaps be writing more, feeling more. It's a complex cocktail of emotions I can tell you - perhaps one day I might be able to say more but right now I just need to continue to keep the whys and wherefores to myself. The story is just too sad and sorry to share.

We'll head back down south later today, it's school holidays and we had already planned to head to Dorset during this week. It's such a bitter sweet time - Dorset is looking stunningly glorious at this time of year and I'm looking forward to being back there with my family, despite the sadness.

I'm alright though, please do know that - I'm really alright.  We'll have the funeral this week and say an official goodbye, and life will go on. I'm a lover of life, each day is precious, to be treasured and enjoyed. There is so much to be grateful for.

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Comments

[CarlafromSpaim]

Sorry for your loss. Lots of love from Spain

[Jen]

Dear Lucy,

I know this is a late sentiment, but maybe you'll need to read it just at the perfect time. So sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers. I hope and pray that You know how your blog, writings, pictures, and transparency helps many to be comforted, as we imagine ourselves in the countryside as you are. Thank you for taking us on your journeys, whether you're having a picnic near the shores, taking a walk on an enchanted path, or simply letting us listen to what is on your mind. You bless us with your fabulous, colorful creations that you so generously share with us. You have a gift that you share with others. Thank you! Thank you for being you....your blogs always lift my spirits, and I hope all of these comments from your blog readers lift yours when you need it the most.

Hugs and Prayers from Huntington Beach, CA,

Jen

[CherylJ]

Dear Lucy,

You put into words my own feelings and thoughts. My father died suddenly on April 20th. Life feels very disjointed now - doesn't it? Peace to you and your family.

[Cynthia Puckett]

My dearest friend Lucy, Before I read this post I was saying to myself as I looked over your beautiful colors how very much I feel love for you as a person. You have touched my life in ways that only I know because we are so far apart and I've never really reached out to you. I am so sorry about your Mum honey, I truly am. At 69 years old I am so blessed to still have mine but things have changed drastically just in the past few months so I know it's only a matter of time, They will be joining my 39 year old daughter and 70 year old husband and as I pray tonight I will ask them to seek out your Mum. Watch for butterflies sweet lady because it will be your Mum visiting you❣️😿We all love you Lucy❣️😘🥀

[Marjolein]

Lucy, my condoleances to you and your loved ones. I wish you lots of strength in these sad and sorry times. Love, Marjolein (Nederland)

[Nicole]

Oh Lucy I am so very sorry to hear about your Mum, I hope you and your family are all ok xx

[Maria Silvia Alvarez]

Dear Lucy, this is the first time I've ever wrote to you, and today I feel the need to tell you how much your blog helped me through my own pain. Five years ago, my twins were gone, and I didn´t know what to do with myself. And I started to knit and crochet and paint again,and I met your blog. My twins taught me about a world full of colours and love, and your words always reminds me that. So, I just want to say thank you, thank you very much.
Five years ago, a friend told me that love would save me, now I understand. Love is always greater than pain.
Sending you lots of love from Argentina. ♥

[Carol]

So sorry to hear of the loss of your Mum. May you find solace in the love of your family and good memories of your mother. Sending good thoughts from Ohio, USA.

[paula]

I am so sorry to hear of your recent loss. I have no idea what you are personally going through and if I said I did, well, that wouldn't be all true or make much sense! Even though I lost my own mom in the early part of 2016 we all grieve differently. Everyone's different and what works for one person doesn't always work for another. I had tried following friends suggestions and joined different support groups to help me deal properly with losing her, but what I found was that I needed to mourn her loss in my own way and at my own time, after all, we do know ourselves best! The part of my experience that I am very grateful for is that I finally took some much needed me time and learned how to crochet and you were a big helpful part of that! I wish you nothing but the best. Much strength and guidance.

[Lisa cullen]

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mum. It will be four years this September that I lost mine so I feel your heartbreak I was also with her in her final moments and this gives me much peace. I actually learnt to crochet at her bedside in the hospice. I am glad you have the life goes on look at life as it most certainly does my thoughts are with you and your family big hugs xxx

[Martine]

Sorry for your loss, sending you a big hug from The Netherlands.

[Jude.x]

So sorry to hear about your Mum. Nothing I can say will make you feel better but I hope that she has found that peace she sought. Take care of yourself and remember all the good times you had with her. ((((hugs)))) Jude.x

[Jenny Johnson]

Lucy I'm so sorry for your loss. My deepest thoughts and condolence's are with you and your family at this sad time. Hugs. xxx

[Liz]

So sorry for your loss I lost my Aunt,Uncle ,Father-in-law and Grandmother who I nursed to the end last year it is hard and I miss them all so much remember the good times keeps me going.

[Julie]

Just read your post , and wanted to send you some thoughts
We also lost my darling mum on 18th May , not entirely unexpected but we thought we had longer with her , the shock was hard to bear .
We said our farewells to her last week , in the sunshine with beautiful flowers , I know many choose donations instead , but I was so glad we had flowers , the scent overwhelmed me and mum would have loved them , maybe time later to choose a charity to donate to .
I have felt shock , fear , anxiety, but mainly just so sad , so very sad that she has gone . She fills my thoughts everyday .
I have a new little granddaughter, who fills my heart with joy and mum got to meet her too , which I am so pleased for .
I believe mum lives on in her children , and grandchildren , every time we sew a stitch , pick up a crochet hook or knitting needle she will be beside us ( probably telling us we doing something wrong ! ) and life is to live and enjoy and I so hope that in time I can think of her and not feel sad
Sending you a hug X

[inkberryblue]

I am so very sorry Lucy. Love, light and gentleness to you and to your family. Fiona xxx

[Sue. Perth, Western Australia.]

Big hugs. Remember the good times with your mum. Spend time with your family. Get plenty of sleep. You're doing great. X

[Jennifer Keast]

Dear Lucy I've thought of you often over the last couple of weeks. It's Sunday night here in Oz, I'm just on the last rows of the cosy stripe blanket and am watching A pksce in the sun - home or away and Skipton is being featured so I'm feeling connected to you. My dad died 6 weeks ago - it's really hard isn't it. He was sick for 6 months and crocheting saved me through all that trauma and grief. I did 3 of your blankets during that time and he loved seeing them grow as I sat with him.
Love and hugs to you xxxx

[Joanna]

Dear Lucy

I have never commented on a post over the internet before but having read your recent posts, I felt compelled to write to you. I wanted to give a little something back as you have no idea how much your blog has helped me and I wanted to say thank you. Out of the blue, four years ago, my dear Dad died and I felt completely lost. A friend of mine suggested that I start to crochet and that I should read your Blog. At this point I had never picked up a hook but since that day I haven't stopped! You have given me what I now call...Hope on a Hook! I hope that you will find your own way of dealing with your loss and never be afraid of your dark days because they are always followed by the light. Thanks again for giving your time and words.

[Tracey Joubert]

Lucy I am so sorry for your loss. I hope the love you receive from all of us around the world will hold you and comfort you. Take care x

[Evi]

Thinking of you. Sending love from Tasmania.

[Ryan McGurl]

I'm so very sorry to here this. I'm always somewhat amazed that in the midst of our greatest sorrows, life continues on around us. The needs of everyday life force us to forget our grief, if only for a few moments, and eventually we can remember the joy without the pain.

[Jane]

So sorry, it's a strange feeling, losing your mum. But out of deep sadness often comes great things, especially if you're creative. All the best. xxxxx

[Marla]

Sorry for your loss. Write your memories for your reflection and process of this moment. Embrace the best.... Marla

[Kathleen Garvey]

Dear Lucy,
So sorry to hear of your Mum's passing. I often peek into Attic24 when in need of a little comfort and color. So from across the pond here in Brimfield, Massachusetts I send you warm wishes for peace and strength. All the best of your Mom lives on in you and yours. Thank you for sharing so much beauty with the world.
sincerely, Kathy G.